"I’m peeing in this kayak. It’ll be so funny when the next people get it. They’ll be all like; ‘what smells like pee?’ Goddamn I am a comic genius."
Photographer: “I have an idea. Let’s pose some slutty, bikini clad chicks next to som exotic cars. Yeah! It’s unique…original. This is going to blow people’s minds.”
"Come to me ocean! Fill my vagina with sand, plankton and all manner of parasites. You know what. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea."
"My tan lines are gonna look totally stupid. But hey…there’s…I got nuthin. There is no positive spin to this. I’m just gonna have stupid lookin tan lines."
"When I listen to music on my Walkman, I like to be topless, to distract people from the fact that I still use a Walkman."
"Notice how my vagina can’t process oxygen. Which means, I’m about to drown."
"The ice is doing nothing to freeze off these extra pounds…but the hypothermia is kicking in nicely."