"I made these pants from hippie curtains. And the curtains were made from old bed sheets, which were stitched together with the carcasses of murdered muppets. Recycling is killing our muppets. But hey! Check out these little perky numbers."
"This is hot and all but I feel like I’m losing a lot of blood. Are the leaches supposed to do that? Oh. They are. Ok. So what about the ones that slimed up into my vagina? Those are cool too?"
"Carl’s Jr. Always make me poop myself. I had to throw my pants away at a gas station bathroom. Looked like a goddamn Jackson Pollock in my underpants. So, for the rest of the day I’ve gotta drive around with my clam all hanging out. But god, the food is good."
"What’s that? DON’T kill her? Oh, I see. I must have misread the add."
What a festive and creative way to celebrate the systematic slaughter of an indigenous people.
"Ya know…the penis/vag thing just isn’t working. Let me just…shove my hand in there so I can jerk it a bit. I’m not saying your vagina is big…but I’m pretty sure I’ve parked my car in a smaller garage."
"No! Good god! That’s just…Jesus. It’s a clothespin. I was going to hang up wet clothes with it. God damn. How could you even think that?"
"I feel like I’m forgetting something. Hmmm. Shit! I left my phone in the car!"